I was in the public toilets

I was in the publictoilets and had just sat down,a voice from the next cubiclesaid “Hi!, how are you?”Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doingfine”.The voice said “So whatare you up to?”.I said, “Just doing the sameas you, sitting here!”.From next door, “Can I comeover?”.Annoyed, I said, "ratherbusy right now”.The voice said, “Listen,i will have to call you back,there’s an idiot next dooranswering all my questions"

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Upon arriving home in eager

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I wentwithout breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had tobreak a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on myhands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles onit, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,Mister, I TOLD HER!"

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One night

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, 
"I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

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Oh wait... Twilight

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?

Oh wait... Twilight

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6 Short Jokes

#...Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked.

#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!#...3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

#...Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.

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Bar ( jokes )

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer."Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 penny.""ONE PENNY!" exclaims the guy.The barman replies, "Yes."So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money.""How much money?" inquires the guy."5 pence," he replies."FIVE PENCE!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

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A young guy from West Virginia moves ( joke )

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor."How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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